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AFTER ABORTION
Evening and Weekend
appointments are available.
Office
4460 73rd Pl SW
Mukilteo, WA 98275
soundsoulcounseling@yahoo.com
4460 73rd Pl SW
Mukilteo, WA 98275
soundsoulcounseling@yahoo.com
Copyright © 2011
For Free Consultaion call:
(425) 280 2643
Or send an Email!
(425) 280 2643
Or send an Email!
See also: Divorce, Culture Shock
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Regrouping with Insight
Zita Fekete
in Mukilteo WA
on the Internet
on Skype
on the Internet
on Skype
Thank you very much for
taking the time to fill out my
survey! I am honored by
your trust in that you shared
your troubles with me. Your
pain hit my heart: this
writing is my way of
expressing my sympathy and
help you to find relief.
If you were going through an abortion and you feel confused, sad, upset even desperate, it is quite normal especially if you began to bond with the unborn baby.
Then you've lost it. It is, in itself, enough for devastating grief, - HUGE GRIEF - but the situation is more complicated than losing a family member. Grief is a social action and every culture has its own rituals. People surround the mourning person with sympathy and support.
Abortion is different. Here you were part of the decision making process, and people think this is enough to blame you and not even consider that you need the same extra help similar to the case of miscarriage or losing a loved one.
Not to mention your own guilt; I bet you are full of thoughts now: what if I did this; or that? One of the hardest points is forgiving yourself although I think you deserve it and heal better if you are able to achieve this.
More than that, it's not enough what intense emotional upheaval is going on in your mind; you might fight about the reasons and the consequences with your partner or with your own parents, who you expected to be with you for better or worse! And they weren't - at least not the way how you would have preferred. Now you might harbor intense anger, frustration and disappointment and - if you cannot speak it out, work it out - it develops into bitter resentment.
If partners weren't on the same page about keeping the pregnancy, almost as a rule; abortion ravages relationships because of the intense and the same time ambivalent emotions plus the clashing of the different values. It takes lots of work to restore and revitalize the original connection. But it is possible! Depending on your situation: with the act of abortion you decided that the connection is worth saving. - Do you want to change it just because of the loss?
Let me share with you what I keep important for the healing following an abortion!
First and foremost:
Be gentle with yourself! Be considerate with your partner too! Don't be harsh, don't be judgmental, and don't punish yourself! You probably agree with me, you suffered enough already!
If you were going through an abortion and you feel confused, sad, upset even desperate, it is quite normal especially if you began to bond with the unborn baby.
Then you've lost it. It is, in itself, enough for devastating grief, - HUGE GRIEF - but the situation is more complicated than losing a family member. Grief is a social action and every culture has its own rituals. People surround the mourning person with sympathy and support.
Abortion is different. Here you were part of the decision making process, and people think this is enough to blame you and not even consider that you need the same extra help similar to the case of miscarriage or losing a loved one.
Not to mention your own guilt; I bet you are full of thoughts now: what if I did this; or that? One of the hardest points is forgiving yourself although I think you deserve it and heal better if you are able to achieve this.
More than that, it's not enough what intense emotional upheaval is going on in your mind; you might fight about the reasons and the consequences with your partner or with your own parents, who you expected to be with you for better or worse! And they weren't - at least not the way how you would have preferred. Now you might harbor intense anger, frustration and disappointment and - if you cannot speak it out, work it out - it develops into bitter resentment.
If partners weren't on the same page about keeping the pregnancy, almost as a rule; abortion ravages relationships because of the intense and the same time ambivalent emotions plus the clashing of the different values. It takes lots of work to restore and revitalize the original connection. But it is possible! Depending on your situation: with the act of abortion you decided that the connection is worth saving. - Do you want to change it just because of the loss?
Let me share with you what I keep important for the healing following an abortion!
First and foremost:
Be gentle with yourself! Be considerate with your partner too! Don't be harsh, don't be judgmental, and don't punish yourself! You probably agree with me, you suffered enough already!
GRIEF
Grief is different for everyone, but there are some general characteristics. It is divided into different "phases" but there are more categorizations.
Most people go through these stages:
* Shock - complete biological and psychological stress reaction.
* Bargaining.
* Intense pain with the feeling of guilt.
* Depression (not as an illness but as a natural reaction to loss).
* Testing and reconstruction: experiencing with new solutions: daily activity, coping strategies, "replacement" activities.
* Acceptance.
I know. At the moment you cannot imagine that there will be a time when you can accept what torment you now are experiencing. But this is what the grief process is for! You cannot forget, but there will be time when you can think about it without the feeling of intense emotional pain. You might even work out some reason or meaning from it.
It sounds odd, isn't it? What do I think meaning? - I come back to this later! It makes more sense if I first explain why I think understanding is the key for unlocking recovery.
Grief is different for everyone, but there are some general characteristics. It is divided into different "phases" but there are more categorizations.
Most people go through these stages:
* Shock - complete biological and psychological stress reaction.
* Bargaining.
* Intense pain with the feeling of guilt.
* Depression (not as an illness but as a natural reaction to loss).
* Testing and reconstruction: experiencing with new solutions: daily activity, coping strategies, "replacement" activities.
* Acceptance.
I know. At the moment you cannot imagine that there will be a time when you can accept what torment you now are experiencing. But this is what the grief process is for! You cannot forget, but there will be time when you can think about it without the feeling of intense emotional pain. You might even work out some reason or meaning from it.
It sounds odd, isn't it? What do I think meaning? - I come back to this later! It makes more sense if I first explain why I think understanding is the key for unlocking recovery.
Dear Readers,
UNDERSTANDING YOUR
MOTIVES
I know what I suggest is painful. But in my experience that leads to relief: think about your reasons. Why did you choose to do that? Everybody has his or her own reason, and the more you understand your background motives, the better you can accept your decision.
For example: after months of rumination someone came up with the recognition that she aborted the pregnancy because she wanted to give not just life but desired a happy life, love and acceptance from the father part which she was not able to. She didn't want to give the misery of rejection for the unborn child.
In another case someone understood that the balanced unit of the family was more important to her than her own "selfish longing" for another baby.
I know what I suggest is painful. But in my experience that leads to relief: think about your reasons. Why did you choose to do that? Everybody has his or her own reason, and the more you understand your background motives, the better you can accept your decision.
For example: after months of rumination someone came up with the recognition that she aborted the pregnancy because she wanted to give not just life but desired a happy life, love and acceptance from the father part which she was not able to. She didn't want to give the misery of rejection for the unborn child.
In another case someone understood that the balanced unit of the family was more important to her than her own "selfish longing" for another baby.
If you find the deeper
motivation behind your
decision, you might
encounter values and beliefs
which you were not aware
of, and in the light of those
you can understand and
accept more your own
decision.
This might give you more meaning regarding the tragedy. You might be a person who prefers family balance against an individual wish. You might be a person who doesn't fight or win by any means for something. You might be a person who would rather not give life than give a miserable one. And you behave in accordance to it, you can accept it. This is what I meant by finding the meaning in the midst of the tragedy.
UNDERSTANDING YOUR PARTNER MOTIVES
The idea is the same; the execution might be different when you don't see the other one's mind. Try to calmly and gently speak with your partner about his/her feelings, reasons.
Important: Do not interrupt, do not criticize, do not judge, just listen! If you offend, you would never hear the real difficulties behind the other's defensive lines. When someone is talking about feelings and questionable decisions, it makes them vulnerable, so they will not open up in a combative atmosphere! In order to know the truth, you need to be acceptant and empathetic - even if you don't feel the same way!
You might learn that what you supposed was selfishness in reality was anxiety. You might get to know that what seemed cold heartedness was worry from responsibility, or change. What seemed like cruelty was intended as a protection for you or the future. You might get to know that your partner regretted this choice but thinks: "Why speak about unchangeable events!" And you might accept the other one's point without changing yours.
ANGER
Think about what you can begin with your anger. Usual stress management advice is valid: physical activity breaks down stress hormones, don't act out your anger, verbalize and so on!
I would suggest one more: write down all of your anger in papers from the smallest to the biggest. All. A long letter? Doesn't matter! Write even more. When you wrote everything down that came to your mind, you repeated and ruminated enough and you feel you are ready to get rid of them; throw it into a fire. You're done. Forget about it! You're cleansed.
Why can it work? Think about it! Who is getting hurt by your anger? Only you! Not the person who you are angry with. Only you! These are feelings inside you and these are ruining your daily life. You probably don't deserve more torture.
This might give you more meaning regarding the tragedy. You might be a person who prefers family balance against an individual wish. You might be a person who doesn't fight or win by any means for something. You might be a person who would rather not give life than give a miserable one. And you behave in accordance to it, you can accept it. This is what I meant by finding the meaning in the midst of the tragedy.
UNDERSTANDING YOUR PARTNER MOTIVES
The idea is the same; the execution might be different when you don't see the other one's mind. Try to calmly and gently speak with your partner about his/her feelings, reasons.
Important: Do not interrupt, do not criticize, do not judge, just listen! If you offend, you would never hear the real difficulties behind the other's defensive lines. When someone is talking about feelings and questionable decisions, it makes them vulnerable, so they will not open up in a combative atmosphere! In order to know the truth, you need to be acceptant and empathetic - even if you don't feel the same way!
You might learn that what you supposed was selfishness in reality was anxiety. You might get to know that what seemed cold heartedness was worry from responsibility, or change. What seemed like cruelty was intended as a protection for you or the future. You might get to know that your partner regretted this choice but thinks: "Why speak about unchangeable events!" And you might accept the other one's point without changing yours.
ANGER
Think about what you can begin with your anger. Usual stress management advice is valid: physical activity breaks down stress hormones, don't act out your anger, verbalize and so on!
I would suggest one more: write down all of your anger in papers from the smallest to the biggest. All. A long letter? Doesn't matter! Write even more. When you wrote everything down that came to your mind, you repeated and ruminated enough and you feel you are ready to get rid of them; throw it into a fire. You're done. Forget about it! You're cleansed.
Why can it work? Think about it! Who is getting hurt by your anger? Only you! Not the person who you are angry with. Only you! These are feelings inside you and these are ruining your daily life. You probably don't deserve more torture.
I don't say that you can get
rid of them purely with the
strength of a momentary
decision, but you can decide
not to stick with your anger
any longer than necessary.
Slowly but surely you can
work yourself to the
direction of letting them go!
FORGIVENESS
Similarly to the anger, all other negative feelings what you might have: resentment, contempt, disappointment - hurt only you! People with various problems reported they began the route of recovery when they forgave their abuser. Not because this is so noble ethically, but because those negative feelings harm only the person who have them.
Forgiveness is a process, not one simple choice and it doesn't work overnight. If you chose to forgive, you can slowly and surely modulate your emotional reaction to that direction - then indeed you can help yourself - not the person who you resent.
ISOLATION
Following an abortion, most people are isolated. They fear contempt, blame, rejection or they fear the opposite; annihilate their doubts. They keep their secret in fear of losing those few friends they still speak with. Isolation acts against healthy psychic work, and grief. I would encourage you keep up with friends, but I know you are in a very vulnerable state of mind. You have to be very cautious who you can trust with your pain. You don't want to risk an additional breakdown because of rejection! But feeling understood, accepted and valued is profoundly important for the healing process. It would be great if you found someone who can provide it for you!
CLEAR COMMUNICATION
Clear communication with you partner about what has happened and why can be the very first step to recovery. Working out your difficulties, understand and accept the different attitude towards life, family life, future, responsibility and others can be fruitful development for your connection. (If you both feel sorry for the abortion, you can grieve the baby together, but don't force it if one of you has different or opposing feelings.)
Don't forget to ensure each other about the things that you love in each other, and keep in mind and express if you agree with each other. This can be the base of the diverse approaches.
FORGIVENESS
Similarly to the anger, all other negative feelings what you might have: resentment, contempt, disappointment - hurt only you! People with various problems reported they began the route of recovery when they forgave their abuser. Not because this is so noble ethically, but because those negative feelings harm only the person who have them.
Forgiveness is a process, not one simple choice and it doesn't work overnight. If you chose to forgive, you can slowly and surely modulate your emotional reaction to that direction - then indeed you can help yourself - not the person who you resent.
ISOLATION
Following an abortion, most people are isolated. They fear contempt, blame, rejection or they fear the opposite; annihilate their doubts. They keep their secret in fear of losing those few friends they still speak with. Isolation acts against healthy psychic work, and grief. I would encourage you keep up with friends, but I know you are in a very vulnerable state of mind. You have to be very cautious who you can trust with your pain. You don't want to risk an additional breakdown because of rejection! But feeling understood, accepted and valued is profoundly important for the healing process. It would be great if you found someone who can provide it for you!
CLEAR COMMUNICATION
Clear communication with you partner about what has happened and why can be the very first step to recovery. Working out your difficulties, understand and accept the different attitude towards life, family life, future, responsibility and others can be fruitful development for your connection. (If you both feel sorry for the abortion, you can grieve the baby together, but don't force it if one of you has different or opposing feelings.)
Don't forget to ensure each other about the things that you love in each other, and keep in mind and express if you agree with each other. This can be the base of the diverse approaches.
By clear communication, I
mean you can share verbally
what you feel and think, but
it is not advisable to unleash
raw emotion to the other. If
you do, you would damage the
connection even further.
Don't be surprised if you
have to deal with this topic
time after time in the long
run. Healing is a process not
en event.
DREAMS
Listen to your dreams! In the Jungian point of view - and I am a full believer of that - dreams are messages from the unconscious mind, and they often complement the conscious mind. It means that if the conscious mind leans in one direction, the unconscious can lean to the other creating balance.
For example if you have rage against your partner because s/he didn't behave the way you have expected, you might dream why or what you love in him or her. Other times when you feel like you are just lost, your dream can show you new, creative directions to point to.
Be aware that the dream speaks in symbols. Open up for the meaning of your symbol. Although the human culture is full of common symbols, you are the only one who can guess the meaning of yours. You are the dreamer - you're the only one to know. But don't worry: the nature of the symbol is that it has more meaning, and they are rarely crystal clear, you have to able to handle some uncertainties!
Dreaming is also a process. There is a theory that every dream is an amplification of a previous one. If you don't understand your dream, ask for another one, it might help you to interpret what your unconscious mind wants to bring to your awareness!
I wish you lots of strength, patience, persistence and of course forgiveness for your recovery. I am sure recuperation is possible, but I also know that this is a slow, wavy progression.
If you need some more personal support or guidance from me I am more than happy to be there for you! Don't forget, in our computer age you don't have to live nearby - we can talk through Skype as well!
Take a big breath, and call or Email me!
DREAMS
Listen to your dreams! In the Jungian point of view - and I am a full believer of that - dreams are messages from the unconscious mind, and they often complement the conscious mind. It means that if the conscious mind leans in one direction, the unconscious can lean to the other creating balance.
For example if you have rage against your partner because s/he didn't behave the way you have expected, you might dream why or what you love in him or her. Other times when you feel like you are just lost, your dream can show you new, creative directions to point to.
Be aware that the dream speaks in symbols. Open up for the meaning of your symbol. Although the human culture is full of common symbols, you are the only one who can guess the meaning of yours. You are the dreamer - you're the only one to know. But don't worry: the nature of the symbol is that it has more meaning, and they are rarely crystal clear, you have to able to handle some uncertainties!
Dreaming is also a process. There is a theory that every dream is an amplification of a previous one. If you don't understand your dream, ask for another one, it might help you to interpret what your unconscious mind wants to bring to your awareness!
I wish you lots of strength, patience, persistence and of course forgiveness for your recovery. I am sure recuperation is possible, but I also know that this is a slow, wavy progression.
If you need some more personal support or guidance from me I am more than happy to be there for you! Don't forget, in our computer age you don't have to live nearby - we can talk through Skype as well!
Take a big breath, and call or Email me!
Find your own grief
process. You've lost
something - you need to
grieve! It is painful,
terribly. But if you try to
spare the pain, jump over or
avoid the process it can
come back to you in some
unexpected way: some
illness, uncontrolled
aversion or attraction,
inability to look at babies,
getting pregnant and so on.
If you deny the problem,
you have no chance to solve
it.
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