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FOGGING
The technique is called fogging because if you throw something into the fog, you don't see where it goes and it doesn't come back. The goal is that when you receive some critique, reproach or reprimand you don't fight back, you don't defend yourself. Even more! Find the small part of truth in it, or acknowledge the feeling of the other person, and express your agreement with it! For example your mother reproaches you so: "I tried to call you late last night, but you weren't at home! It's not good for your health going home so late!" You can agree that you were out late last night; you can say that you understand that your mother is worrying about your health.
The main reason for doing it is that after some non-defensive answer, most critique is dying out. Otherwise if you answer that you weren't so late, or you counterattack that your mother is not your boss anymore, then you are in the well known fight again collecting hurts and resentments. You would never know that at this moment your mother just wanted to tell you something you would be happy to hear.
If you use it persistently, the critique disappears without a trace like an object thrown into the fog giving place to the clearer assertive wishes and wants.
NEGATIVE ASSERTION
If you hear something critical about yourself, you can calmly agree with it. "I was not at my best in this presentation, wasn't I?" The reason is that no one wants to hit too much more on you if you've admitted your fault. If the error already has been made, or someone has a negative opinion about your behavior, if you fight against, it would escalate. If you admit it, or make a negative statement about yourself, it soothes the criticism. NEGATIVE INQUIRY If you ask for more problems, mistakes, or critique about your behavior, surprisingly it makes the opposite effect on the person who criticized you: s/he will see you in a more positive way. In the case of normal critique; for example your boss has something to say about your low performance, if you defend yourself or deny: you're in a fight and s/he will have an even worst opinion about you standing the critique. However if you can ask for specific things to change, and in what other area you need to improve, s/he would experience you as a cooperative employee with excellent work ethic. It has even more advantage when you have critique from a manipulative reason: the manipulators are nonassertive people, they are not good enough just straight away ask what they want; consequently you never exactly know what they want. If you consistently ask further and further what else is bothering them (without feeling guilty or anxious), you've got a good chance that they will tell you straight away their will. Otherwise get frustrated not being able to make you behave they'd like by induced anxiety, they just stop criticizing you. Isn't it what you want? Later you will have time to think about what you agree with and what not. Even if you made a mistake, you can decide if you want to make changes, or you can decide to stay the way you are.
FINAL WORDS
We can state that manipulation is on one side, assertion is on another. In other words, people who tend to manipulate are the ones who are receptive of manipulation. You can make a huge step forward only with breaking the cycle and come to the assertive side simply by being aware and act upon your own rights. Practicing until expertise and certain tools and techniques comes afterward.
The technique is called fogging because if you throw something into the fog, you don't see where it goes and it doesn't come back. The goal is that when you receive some critique, reproach or reprimand you don't fight back, you don't defend yourself. Even more! Find the small part of truth in it, or acknowledge the feeling of the other person, and express your agreement with it! For example your mother reproaches you so: "I tried to call you late last night, but you weren't at home! It's not good for your health going home so late!" You can agree that you were out late last night; you can say that you understand that your mother is worrying about your health.
The main reason for doing it is that after some non-defensive answer, most critique is dying out. Otherwise if you answer that you weren't so late, or you counterattack that your mother is not your boss anymore, then you are in the well known fight again collecting hurts and resentments. You would never know that at this moment your mother just wanted to tell you something you would be happy to hear.
If you use it persistently, the critique disappears without a trace like an object thrown into the fog giving place to the clearer assertive wishes and wants.
NEGATIVE ASSERTION
If you hear something critical about yourself, you can calmly agree with it. "I was not at my best in this presentation, wasn't I?" The reason is that no one wants to hit too much more on you if you've admitted your fault. If the error already has been made, or someone has a negative opinion about your behavior, if you fight against, it would escalate. If you admit it, or make a negative statement about yourself, it soothes the criticism. NEGATIVE INQUIRY If you ask for more problems, mistakes, or critique about your behavior, surprisingly it makes the opposite effect on the person who criticized you: s/he will see you in a more positive way. In the case of normal critique; for example your boss has something to say about your low performance, if you defend yourself or deny: you're in a fight and s/he will have an even worst opinion about you standing the critique. However if you can ask for specific things to change, and in what other area you need to improve, s/he would experience you as a cooperative employee with excellent work ethic. It has even more advantage when you have critique from a manipulative reason: the manipulators are nonassertive people, they are not good enough just straight away ask what they want; consequently you never exactly know what they want. If you consistently ask further and further what else is bothering them (without feeling guilty or anxious), you've got a good chance that they will tell you straight away their will. Otherwise get frustrated not being able to make you behave they'd like by induced anxiety, they just stop criticizing you. Isn't it what you want? Later you will have time to think about what you agree with and what not. Even if you made a mistake, you can decide if you want to make changes, or you can decide to stay the way you are.
FINAL WORDS
We can state that manipulation is on one side, assertion is on another. In other words, people who tend to manipulate are the ones who are receptive of manipulation. You can make a huge step forward only with breaking the cycle and come to the assertive side simply by being aware and act upon your own rights. Practicing until expertise and certain tools and techniques comes afterward.
There is something really annoying
when someone gets us to do
something that we don't want to, isn't
it?
We feel some hazy mix of irritation, guilt, shame, and anxiety, in the same time we do something what is expected from us which is completely against our interest or will. We give money, do a favor or take part in something we don't want to.
Do you want to get off the hook? Learn the 3 "Anti-Manipulation-Tricks":
BEING ASSERTIVE
UNDERSTANDING THE MANIPULATION PROCESS AND ACT AGAINST IT
APPLYING ANTI-MANIPULATION TOOLS
Broken record
Fogging
Negative assertion
Negative inquiry
Self-disclosure
Free information
Workable Compromise
Assertive behavior when we stand up for our interesst and rights, in the same time we respect the others interests and rights.
UNDERSTANDING THE MANIPULATION PROCESS
There is two main points in the process.
First: the manipulator uses an external, arbitrary rule system or expectation: "the good friend" the "reliable coworker" the "conscientious citizen" or the "loving husband or wife". Notice, that there is no precise definition of these rules, the manipulator can substitute whatever s/he wants what a "good friend" is suppose to do, and handle it as well known and accepted truth. The assumption can be hidden and unspoken in the conversation.
Second: the manipulator induces guilt, shame or anxiety in you; if you are not acting the expected way, you will be evaluated, harshly judged and not loved.
Of course s/he doesn't take the responsibility for the expectation, but put fingers on those external general rules.
Why are we receptive?
Before you declared yourself stupid by letting yourself get tricked, you need to know that this is the way of socializing us in our childhood. It has sunk into our personality very deeply.
Without any manipulative edge, the parents tell their children what is good and what is bad, what is expected and what is not, and if the child continuously violates the norms, there are some consequences, negative evaluation but mostly there is the loss of love. Average children are very deeply afraid of these consequences, and normally do whatever they can to avoid them. This unconscious desire of suiting stays with us in adulthood in the way that our conscious mind is quite out of picture.
First and foremost you need to be aware of this dynamic.
Second, you need to realize that this is a mistake. You grew up, and even children can have certain rights to decide what they do, what they like, what they choose. Certainly you have to decide what is right and what is not according to your priority system.
Third, you have to carve in your mind your assertive rights! Next time, when someone wants to impose outside rules upon you, you have to be 100% sure (maybe better 1000% sure) about them!
We feel some hazy mix of irritation, guilt, shame, and anxiety, in the same time we do something what is expected from us which is completely against our interest or will. We give money, do a favor or take part in something we don't want to.
Do you want to get off the hook? Learn the 3 "Anti-Manipulation-Tricks":
BEING ASSERTIVE
UNDERSTANDING THE MANIPULATION PROCESS AND ACT AGAINST IT
APPLYING ANTI-MANIPULATION TOOLS
Broken record
Fogging
Negative assertion
Negative inquiry
Self-disclosure
Free information
Workable Compromise
Assertive behavior when we stand up for our interesst and rights, in the same time we respect the others interests and rights.
UNDERSTANDING THE MANIPULATION PROCESS
There is two main points in the process.
First: the manipulator uses an external, arbitrary rule system or expectation: "the good friend" the "reliable coworker" the "conscientious citizen" or the "loving husband or wife". Notice, that there is no precise definition of these rules, the manipulator can substitute whatever s/he wants what a "good friend" is suppose to do, and handle it as well known and accepted truth. The assumption can be hidden and unspoken in the conversation.
Second: the manipulator induces guilt, shame or anxiety in you; if you are not acting the expected way, you will be evaluated, harshly judged and not loved.
Of course s/he doesn't take the responsibility for the expectation, but put fingers on those external general rules.
Why are we receptive?
Before you declared yourself stupid by letting yourself get tricked, you need to know that this is the way of socializing us in our childhood. It has sunk into our personality very deeply.
Without any manipulative edge, the parents tell their children what is good and what is bad, what is expected and what is not, and if the child continuously violates the norms, there are some consequences, negative evaluation but mostly there is the loss of love. Average children are very deeply afraid of these consequences, and normally do whatever they can to avoid them. This unconscious desire of suiting stays with us in adulthood in the way that our conscious mind is quite out of picture.
First and foremost you need to be aware of this dynamic.
Second, you need to realize that this is a mistake. You grew up, and even children can have certain rights to decide what they do, what they like, what they choose. Certainly you have to decide what is right and what is not according to your priority system.
Third, you have to carve in your mind your assertive rights! Next time, when someone wants to impose outside rules upon you, you have to be 100% sure (maybe better 1000% sure) about them!
YOUR ASSERTIVE RIGHTS
1: You have the right to judge your own behavior, thoughts and emotions, and to take the responsibility for their initiation and consequences upon yourself.
2: You have the right to offer no reasons or excuses to justify your behavior.
3: You have the right to judge if you are responsible for finding solutions to other people's problem.
4: You have the right to change your mind.
5: You have the right to make mistakes - and be responsible for them.
6: You have the right to say, "I don't know."
7: You have the right to be independent of the goodwill of others before coping with them.
8: You have the right to be illogical in making decisions.
9: You have the right to say, "I don't understand."
10: You have the right to say, "I don't care."
YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO SAY NO WITHOUT FEELING GUILTY!
(Stated by Manuel Smith in his bestseller book: When I say no, I feel guilty)
ACTING AGAINST MANIPULATION
Relax! When you feel the shame, guilt - an anxiety complex emerges. Remind yourself that this is the tool that your manipulator uses to animate you. But now, as you understand, you don't have to worry about it anymore! You will not be judged only by yourself, you don't have to fulfill his expectation only yours. Last but not least, you don't have to convince him that he is not right, just to resist doing what he wants: stick to your will.
Initially, you will probably feel the same old inconvenient feelings, and become angry why he exposes you to this situation. Try not to show your anger! Why? Because this is the sign that you are in the process, you accepted his external evaluation system, and now you are struggling between his and your will. Just a couple more minutes, some more arguments and you give up - he can think.
However, if you are 100% sure that you are free to do whatever you want and don't have to deal with what he thinks about you, you can stay calm. This shows that you are not moveable. You can even enjoy observing what kind of arguments and reference systems he is willing to work to get you!
SIMPLE ASSERTIVE COMMUNICATION TOOLS
FREE INFORMATION
In an everyday situation if you ask a question from someone and she or he answers with a simple Yes or No, it cuts off the flow of communication. Usually people show their willingness to engage in dialogue by giving free information. To the "Where do you live?" question you can answer with one word, or you can add more about the circumstances or feeling about it. E.g. "Here in Seattle close to the waterfront."
1: You have the right to judge your own behavior, thoughts and emotions, and to take the responsibility for their initiation and consequences upon yourself.
2: You have the right to offer no reasons or excuses to justify your behavior.
3: You have the right to judge if you are responsible for finding solutions to other people's problem.
4: You have the right to change your mind.
5: You have the right to make mistakes - and be responsible for them.
6: You have the right to say, "I don't know."
7: You have the right to be independent of the goodwill of others before coping with them.
8: You have the right to be illogical in making decisions.
9: You have the right to say, "I don't understand."
10: You have the right to say, "I don't care."
YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO SAY NO WITHOUT FEELING GUILTY!
(Stated by Manuel Smith in his bestseller book: When I say no, I feel guilty)
ACTING AGAINST MANIPULATION
Relax! When you feel the shame, guilt - an anxiety complex emerges. Remind yourself that this is the tool that your manipulator uses to animate you. But now, as you understand, you don't have to worry about it anymore! You will not be judged only by yourself, you don't have to fulfill his expectation only yours. Last but not least, you don't have to convince him that he is not right, just to resist doing what he wants: stick to your will.
Initially, you will probably feel the same old inconvenient feelings, and become angry why he exposes you to this situation. Try not to show your anger! Why? Because this is the sign that you are in the process, you accepted his external evaluation system, and now you are struggling between his and your will. Just a couple more minutes, some more arguments and you give up - he can think.
However, if you are 100% sure that you are free to do whatever you want and don't have to deal with what he thinks about you, you can stay calm. This shows that you are not moveable. You can even enjoy observing what kind of arguments and reference systems he is willing to work to get you!
SIMPLE ASSERTIVE COMMUNICATION TOOLS
FREE INFORMATION
In an everyday situation if you ask a question from someone and she or he answers with a simple Yes or No, it cuts off the flow of communication. Usually people show their willingness to engage in dialogue by giving free information. To the "Where do you live?" question you can answer with one word, or you can add more about the circumstances or feeling about it. E.g. "Here in Seattle close to the waterfront."
The partner then has a chance to
choose how to continue: s/he can
react on the part which can lead to
further information about you, or
s/he can connect with what you said
and turn the conversation back
about her/him.
SELF DISCLOSURE
Usually you say something about yourself without asking, or simply connecting to the free information given by your partner. If you just follow the other's free information and ask for new information, the conversation becomes artificially one-sided. If you give information about yourself, and your partner follows them, most probably you can create a symmetrical talk with lots of shared information about each other.
ANTI MANIPULATION TOOLS
BROKEN RECORD
Imagine! The people who want you to do something or stop something have a certain amount of asking, or saying no. You just need to have one more! (Other way: How many times do you usually ask for something? Only one or two, isn't it?) Telling what you want in a calm assertive manner as many times as you need is enough. We call it a broken record, because you don't need to do anything else, just repeat, repeat and repeat what you would like to tell. (Calm assertive manner is important again because "Who is yelling is losing." If you're upset, the manipulator sees your frustration, and knows you're losing your stance, so he just has to keep up a little bit more.) Repeating calmly what you want means that you are ready for saying it a hundred times without withdrawing so they have to comply, or at least figure out a workable compromise.
WORKABLE COMPROMISE
What if the other person is not giving in, or is as assertive as you are? The main reason to practice Broken Record is to feel self-respect. You are not the one who let people walk all over you. If your self-respect is safe and sound, in addition you feel that the other has some truth too; you can work toward a workable compromise, which is acceptable for both of you without feeling put down.
ASSERTIVELY WORKING WITH THE GREAT MANIPULATOR: CRITICISM
No matter if the criticism is straightforward or manipulative (neutrally point out some flaw or intend to induce guilt and anxiety) most people react on it with defensiveness and denial, as if our whole person or personality was rejected and it would mean death. It is natural, but unnecessary. No matter what a big error of ours has been criticized, our other actions, personality traits are untouched. We won't die just because we made a mistake and someone pointed this out! (Or do you have the assumption too, that you need to be perfect, otherwise your life will be miserable?) This defensiveness leads to counterattacks, a fight is about to break out, causing nothing else but tension and hurt. On the other hand, if we use the next communicative tools when we are facing criticism, we are in the double winning position, because 1: we get valuable feedback about our behavior and its effect on others, 2: with persistent use we can disarm our nonassertive manipulator, and force them to come out assertively with their real wants.
SELF DISCLOSURE
Usually you say something about yourself without asking, or simply connecting to the free information given by your partner. If you just follow the other's free information and ask for new information, the conversation becomes artificially one-sided. If you give information about yourself, and your partner follows them, most probably you can create a symmetrical talk with lots of shared information about each other.
ANTI MANIPULATION TOOLS
BROKEN RECORD
Imagine! The people who want you to do something or stop something have a certain amount of asking, or saying no. You just need to have one more! (Other way: How many times do you usually ask for something? Only one or two, isn't it?) Telling what you want in a calm assertive manner as many times as you need is enough. We call it a broken record, because you don't need to do anything else, just repeat, repeat and repeat what you would like to tell. (Calm assertive manner is important again because "Who is yelling is losing." If you're upset, the manipulator sees your frustration, and knows you're losing your stance, so he just has to keep up a little bit more.) Repeating calmly what you want means that you are ready for saying it a hundred times without withdrawing so they have to comply, or at least figure out a workable compromise.
WORKABLE COMPROMISE
What if the other person is not giving in, or is as assertive as you are? The main reason to practice Broken Record is to feel self-respect. You are not the one who let people walk all over you. If your self-respect is safe and sound, in addition you feel that the other has some truth too; you can work toward a workable compromise, which is acceptable for both of you without feeling put down.
ASSERTIVELY WORKING WITH THE GREAT MANIPULATOR: CRITICISM
No matter if the criticism is straightforward or manipulative (neutrally point out some flaw or intend to induce guilt and anxiety) most people react on it with defensiveness and denial, as if our whole person or personality was rejected and it would mean death. It is natural, but unnecessary. No matter what a big error of ours has been criticized, our other actions, personality traits are untouched. We won't die just because we made a mistake and someone pointed this out! (Or do you have the assumption too, that you need to be perfect, otherwise your life will be miserable?) This defensiveness leads to counterattacks, a fight is about to break out, causing nothing else but tension and hurt. On the other hand, if we use the next communicative tools when we are facing criticism, we are in the double winning position, because 1: we get valuable feedback about our behavior and its effect on others, 2: with persistent use we can disarm our nonassertive manipulator, and force them to come out assertively with their real wants.
GET OFF THE HOOK OF MANIPULATION
Evening and Weekend
appointments are available.
Office
4460 73rd Pl SW
Mukilteo, WA 98275
soundsoulcounseling@yahoo.com
4460 73rd Pl SW
Mukilteo, WA 98275
soundsoulcounseling@yahoo.com
Copyright © 2011
For Free Consultation call:
(425) 280 2643
Or send an Email!
(425) 280 2643
Or send an Email!
Other Self Help Tips: Self Esteem, Quick Self Help
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Regrouping with Insight
Zita Fekete
in Mukilteo WA
on the Internet
on Skype
on the Internet
on Skype
OVERLAPPING APPROACHES AGAINST MANIPULATION
In the presentation you find the patterns, how manipulation works, the characteristics of the Manipulator and the "Victim" and the the way how anyone can turn from "Victim" to "Survivor".
In the text you can read about the attitude and the behavioral techniques how you can deal with manipulators.
I am using them day by day - with pactice it works better and better!
In the presentation you find the patterns, how manipulation works, the characteristics of the Manipulator and the "Victim" and the the way how anyone can turn from "Victim" to "Survivor".
In the text you can read about the attitude and the behavioral techniques how you can deal with manipulators.
I am using them day by day - with pactice it works better and better!
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